Depression is something that runs in my family. I have been aware of depression ever since I was a young girl. My father was on ‘happy pills’ before it was the ‘hip’ thing to do. Our family can trace depression and bipolar back for generations, although both things were called something else if you go back a few generations. My first bout of depression came after my mom died; although I am sure I had it in much smaller doses before but did not know what to call it. I mean, as a little girl I planned what my funeral would be like…not my wedding, something was PROBABLY wrong. Ever since then I have ridden the roller coaster of depression, the highs and the lows. I have taken medicine, done therapy, ignored it, worked out, prayed…you name it I have tried it. So, when friends tell me to just, “cheer up, it will get better” or “you are just having a bad day” or “choose to be happy”, I just roll my inner eyes, because if it was just.that.simple. I would be better in a heartbeat. I am honestly to the point; I don’t even bother telling people because no one really seems to understand what depression really can do to a soul.
I bring this up; because I am dealing with some of the worst depression I think I have ever dealt with. I am sadly, without insurance, at least for a few more months and am unable to seek medical help. Trust me though, the day I have medical I will be sitting in a doctor’s office and asking for meds. I try to be happy. I look for things that make me happy, but seriously, one-teeny-tiny-thing could go wrong and I am weeping in a ball on the floor (I wish I was exaggerating.) For example, last night I couldn’t get the silverware out of the dish drainer, they got caught in the mesh, I cried into my dish water for the rest of the time I was doing dishes. It drives me crazy, because logically, I know what is happening to me, but I have NO control over it. It consumes me. I am drowning in it. I am anxious, nervous, stressed and generally just sad all.the.time. I wake up with it and I go to sleep to it. I hate it. I hate the part of my brain that is broken and allows this to happen and I wish I was stronger so I could fight it.
This post really isn’t about me. It is about J and how amazing he is and how grateful I am to him. The only calm in the storm that is me is my loving J. He is the only thing getting me through this. I can honestly say I do not know what would happen to me without him. He can make me laugh and never makes me feel crazy when I cry over stupid silverware that gets stuck. He gets extremely frustrated when I put myself down because he sees what I cannot. Without him I would drown in my own sadness. He makes me want to put one foot in front of the other so I can get better, because a happy life with him is all I want. I know he loves me with a love that I cannot fully understand and I will forever be grateful to him. I adore and love him.
Thank you Snuggle…you are my anchor in my crazy.